Insecurity in Relationships: Signs and Strategies to Address

Sometimes, small moments arise when we start second-guessing ourselves. It can look like asking ourselves, "Am I good enough?" or replaying conversations in our head to figure out if they love us. These experiences are common and human. Americans feel insecure around five times a day. In romantic relationships, both men and women struggle with low self-esteem during the dating phase. Friendships aren't the exception, either.

When left unaddressed, insecurity can hinder open communication, emotional safety, and connection. In this article, we explore common signs of insecurity in relationships, where these feelings often come from, and how to gently move toward greater confidence, trust, and authenticity with the people we care about.

Key Learnings

• Relationship insecurity often begins with internal patterns such as negative self-talk, overthinking, jealousy, or a need for reassurance.
• Its roots usually lie in more profound experiences, such as attachment style, mental health challenges, low self-esteem, or past trauma.
• Insecurity is not a fixed trait; it can shift through intentional practices such as clear communication, healthy boundaries, emotional regulation, and challenging unhelpful thoughts.
• Healing begins with small, consistent acts of vulnerability and presence.

Signs That You Feel Insecure in a Relationship

Recognizing signs of relationship insecurity can help us respond with self-compassion rather than self-judgment.

🗯️ Negative Thoughts and Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is a common experience in insecure relationships. These can occur at any stage of a relationship, not just when we first meet someone. These internal messages often reflect fear rather than fact and may contribute to patterns of self-sabotage.

When a relationship ends or becomes strained, insecurity can feel "confirmed," even when it was not the true cause. For example:

1. Person A thinks, "This person spends time with me because they feel obliged to."
2. Person A becomes overly focused on their insecurities and pushes the person they love away.
3. This event strengthens Person A's belief.

This reinforces our belief related to the self-talk, in this case, that we aren't worthy of a loving relationship.

👌🏽 Constant Need For Reassurance

Seeking reassurance can be a way of coping with uncertainty or fear of abandonment. This may look like repeatedly asking, “Are we okay?” or worrying that something was said “wrong.” While reassurance may offer short-term relief, it can be emotionally exhausting for both partners over time. A psychologist Nicole LePera provides a few illustrative examples of this worry, reminding us that it is also a form of hypervigilance.

🎭 Jealousy and Constant Comparison

You might notice jealousy in your own relationship if you constantly compare yourself to others. This means being unsure about your partner's actions and faithfulness, whether you can "live up to" other people, or feeling like you're not good enough for them.

Jealousy is a widespread component of relationship insecurity. In a recent Pew Research survey of people whose partners use social media, up to 38% of adults living with a partner reported feeling jealous.

🤯 Overthinking and Catastrophizing

Alicia Muñoz, a couples therapist, paints a particularly vivid picture of overthinking:

"When your partner comes home late, you think, They’re neglecting me. Work is more important than I am. If your partner doesn’t initiate lovemaking, you think, We’re on our way to a sexless marriage. I knew this would happen. If your partner is distracted at the dinner table, you think, They’re bored. They have nothing to say to me."

Insecurity can turn everyday moments into evidence that something is wrong. This pattern is closely related to hypervigilance and catastrophizing (mentally jumping to worst-case scenarios).

Over time, this can be emotionally draining and increase anxiety within the relationship.

💔 Difficulty Trusting Others

Insecurity can manifest as fear of vulnerability. Like a background hum that continually searches for inconsistencies and hidden meanings, this distrust, even of friends and family members, makes it difficult to relax.

Perhaps you hold back or deflect when your partner tries to initiate serious conversations about the future. In other situations, you might avoid confrontation out of fear that they will leave you.

What Causes Insecure Relationships?

Relationship insecurity can develop for many reasons, often shaped by early experiences, emotional health, and relational history.

1. Attachment Style

Research demonstrates that our attachment style impacts our self-esteem and self-perception. Early caregiving relationships influence how we view ourselves and what we expect from others.

Our connections with our caregivers are supposed to set a solid foundation for our future. When caregivers were emotionally inconsistent, unavailable, or unpredictable, we may have learned that relationships are unsafe or unstable.

People with anxious attachment style tend to struggle with insecurity more often than those who have secure attachment. Insecurity, however, doesn't always show up as the need for reassurance; it can also look like attachment avoidance:

"Individuals high in attachment avoidance distrust romantic partners and are uncomfortable relying on them for love and support. Accordingly, they avoid being dependent, often try to suppress their attachment needs and limit closeness in their relationship."

And so, when our current partner accidentally triggers a familiar worry, we can develop a fear of abandonment, overthink, or experience a heightened need for reassurance.

2. Mental Health Challenges

Mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety can influence how we interpret relational cues, often increasing sensitivity to distance or conflict. These challenges do not cause insecurity on their own, but they can intensify existing fears.

Protective factors, such as supportive relationships, therapy, and coping skills, can significantly buffer these effects. Strong social support can reduce the impact of depression on relationship insecurity.

3. Low Self-Confidence

Low self-esteem can shape how people interpret their partner’s behavior, often assuming negative intent where none exists. Past relational wounds or trauma may contribute to these beliefs. Some individuals may also remain in unhealthy relationships due to fear of being alone. Some individuals may also remain in unhealthy relationships due to fear of being alone. As therapist Tanay Hudson reflects:

"When I was younger, I would date guys who had nothing but bad intentions for me, but I didn’t want to believe it. It was better to have someone who was only around sometimes than not to have anyone at all."

The internal belief "I am not enough" brings out internal comparison, jealousy, and distrust.

4. Past Experiences or Trauma

If someone in a previous relationship made us feel insecure and affected our self-worth, we might have carried that into new friendships and partnerships. It can be something recent or a sign of our childhood trauma. Some relationships have a long-lasting influence on our present.

"As clinicians often observe, knowing a partner is safe does not always quiet the nervous system. Healing involves gently teaching the body and mind that connection can exist without harm." - Chermayne Moore, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

How to Let Go of Past Insecurity and Nourish Confidence

To overcome feelings of insecurity, it will take time, patience, and self-compassion. Here are tips for finally breaking old patterns.

Communicate Your Needs Clearly

Open communication enables us to clearly signal to others what we need, whether it's quality time, space, or support. When we are open about what we need and communicate with those we love, it brings satisfaction and joy not just to us but also to our loved ones.

Open communication and the expression of needs are associated with improved trust in relationships. It can also be a strong predictor of stronger relationships in moments of crisis.

Set Your Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries and being direct about your needs isn't selfish; it's a sign of trust. People who love you will celebrate your desire to feel secure.

You can check these worksheets to improve your communication:

• Types of boundaries
• Saying "no"
• Assertive communication

Don't know how to verbalize your boundaries and be more confident? Take the quiz and get your personalized plan for healthier relationships.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

When insecurity tries to reclaim a sense of calm and makes you doubt your friend or partner, you might notice negative thoughts emerge. This simple practice can be helpful if you're constantly worrying or struggling to believe in your self-worth. Check this simple worksheet to help you process your internal dialogue.

Practice Emotional Regulation

Insecurity is sometimes born out of complex feelings that we aren't sure how to process. Insecurity can trigger a fight-or-flight response. Thankfully, building emotional resilience also helps us feel confident, the more we practice it.

Deep breathing helps us regulate emotions by gradually releasing our body's stress response. These exercises from WebMD can help you experiment with breathing practices. Another thing that can help you manage your emotions is grounding. Other exercises from Johns Hopkins University offer quick and accessible ideas for when you need to connect with yourself more deeply.

Spend Quality Time With Them

Occasionally, what fuels our fear is the lack of time we spend with those we love. We can address this insecurity by investing in the present moment.

Spend time with them in a way that suits both of you. It can be something as simple as watching the movie you always rewatch during the holidays or hiking on your favorite trail. What matters is focusing on them and recognizing that they are paying attention to you.

Final Thoughts

We cannot eliminate the feeling of insecurity overnight. But when we work on feeling more confident and let people we love into our lives, a joy we didn't know we had is unearthed. It's a joy of self-discovery that comes with seeing ourselves bloom anew. How can you begin? By a small "Hey, can we talk?" when you're ready, sitting down and discussing what keeps bothering you.

Or just a gentle hug given to them without the fear of rejection. With each moment they meet you halfway, you'll grow to let go.

Your personalized plan to build healthier relationships!Take a quick quiz

References

1. Hudson, T. (2024, July 19). How low self-esteem ruined my dating life. MadameNoire. https://madamenoire.com/718061/how-my-low-self-esteem-ruined-my-dating-life/
2. Muetzelfeld, H., Megale, A., & Friedlander, M. L. (2020). Problematic domains of romantic relationships as a function of attachment insecurity and gender. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 41(1), 80–90. https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.1401
3. Muñoz, A. (2022). How to stop overthinking your relationship. Greater Good. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_overthinking_your_relationship
4. Overall, N. C., Pietromonaco, P. R., & Simpson, J. A. (2022). Buffering and spillover of adult attachment insecurity in couple and family relationships. Nature Reviews Psychology, 1. https://doi.org/10.37473/dac/10.1038/s44159-021-00011-1
5. Richter, M., Schlegel, K., Thomas, P., & Troche, S. J. (2022). Adult attachment and personality as predictors of jealousy in romantic relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.861481
6. This is how often a person typically feels insecure: Poll. New York Post. (2023, March 31). https://nypost.com/2023/03/30/this-is-how-often-a-person-typically-feels-insecure-poll/
7. Vogels, E. A., & Anderson, M. (2023, February 2). Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
8. Wu, J. (2024). Study of the relationship between communication stance and sense of security among college students in romantic relationship. International Journal of Education and Humanities, 16(3), 211–215. https://doi.org/10.54097/9zajap72
9. Ying, J., Liu, S., Shi, J., Shi, Q., & Wu, X. (2025). Emotion‐driven or relationship‐driven? longitudinal associations between insecure parent–child attachment, perceived family support and depressive symptoms among Chinese adolescents. British Journal of Psychology, 116(4), 789–806. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjop.12792
10. Yu, S., Shi, J., Huang, J., Fan, S., & Xu, W. (2021). Longitudinal relationship between emotional insecurity and adolescent mental health: The mediation of rejection sensitivity and moderation of dispositional mindfulness. Mindfulness, 12(11), 2662–2671. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-021-01727-0