How to Co-Parent With a Narcissist?

When co-parenting works well, it can provide children with stability and emotional security. But when the other parent disrespects our boundaries, intentionally causes conflict, and disrupts our parenting plan, the experience might feel very different. Research shows that ongoing parental conflict, not separation itself, has the greatest impact on a child’s emotional well-being.

The term “narcissist” is often used to describe patterns of behavior rather than a formal diagnosis, and people use this phrase across different relationships regardless of whether someone meets clinical criteria. While some people may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, many co-parents display narcissistic traits, such as a need for control, lack of empathy, or chronic blame, without ever being clinically diagnosed. These traits exist on a spectrum and can become more pronounced in high-stress situations, such as separation or custody disputes.

Co-parenting with a narcissist often means navigating control tactics while trying to keep things stable for your child. In this guide, we'll explore how to deal with a narcissistic co-parent without losing your sense of self and your family peace.

Key Learnings:

• Co-parenting with a narcissistic parent requires the other parent to stay calm, set boundaries, and stick to the parenting plan. Although we can't influence parallel parents' behavior, we can act in our child's best interests and protect our personal life.
• Limiting communication, setting boundaries, keeping a paper trail, avoiding alienating behaviors, and working with a licensed therapist help protect our well-being and that of our kids.
• Remaining calm and directing all our parenting efforts on our child, not the narcissistic parent, will help us build a better life.

Dealing With a Narcissistic Co-Parent

When co-parenting with a narcissistic parent, we can be tempted to imagine that we might change their behavior. Instead of trying to fix a co-parent, we can create predictability and improve the parenting time we have with our kid.

Limit Communication to Reduce Emotional Escalation

In high-conflict co-parenting dynamics, emotional reactions often reinforce cycles of provocation and response. Limiting communication lowers emotional "fuel" and helps prevent cycles of provocation and response.

Keep messages brief, factual, and focused only on your child. If the other parent starts an emotional argument, avoid defending, explaining, or correcting their accusations; it will only serve as an anchor for them to reach out to you. If you can, rely on written communication more because it's easier to keep things civil.

For example, instead of responding to a long, accusatory message, you reply with: “Pickup will be at 5 p.m. on Friday as scheduled.” Nothing more.

If you find it difficult to stay calm or focused while interacting with a high-conflict co-parent, you can always take a free quiz and get your personalized plan for stress-free parenting. It can show you how to interact with high-conflict people and stay focused on your child.

Keeping Children Out of Adult Conflict

When children are caught in parental conflict, turning one parent into the “bad guy” can threaten their emotional safety and contribute to stress or anxiety. It may also increase the risk of being accused of parental alienation.

Rather than explaining who is wrong, focus on supporting their feelings and needs without placing blame. Rather than trying to alienate your child, explain to them that both parents care for them in their own way. Adult issues have to be kept out of the child's emotional space.

For example, if your child says, "Why does mom/dad always cancel our drop-offs?" you might respond with: "I know it's frustrating. I'm here. We can make our plans together."

Document Everything to Stay Grounded

In high-conflict co-parenting situations, interactions can feel confusing, contradictory, or emotionally charged. Keeping a clear record of communications and events helps you stay grounded in reality and provides evidence if questions arise about the parenting plan or court orders.

What to document:

• Schedules and custody agreements
• Important decisions or changes
• Drop-offs and pick-ups
• Repeated patterns of conflict or non-compliance.

Set Firm Boundaries With a Narcissistic Parent

When a co-parent displays narcissistic traits, personal boundaries become a form of emotional protection. The other parent might be displaying such patterns as:

• Frequent overstepping of roles or agreements
• Difficulty respecting emotional boundaries
• Blurring of responsibility.

Boundaries create structure where inconsistency often exists and help shift interactions from reactive to intentional.

“They also model healthy relational behavior for children, demonstrating that it’s possible to maintain respect, self-protection, and emotional regulation even in challenging relationships", says our expert Tara Passaretti, M.S., LMHC. "While parallel parenting primarily affects us as caregivers, we can stay calm, set boundaries, and ensure that our child’s emotional well-being remains protected and unaffected by high-conflict dynamics."

Protect Your Mental Health Before It Affects Your Parenting

Chronic stress from co-parenting in high-conflict situations can lead to emotional exhaustion and impact our physical health, making it difficult to stay calm during decision-making over time.

Many parents who had a narcissistic ex admit to dealing with unfair treatment in the past, sometimes even including physical abuse. For the sake of anonymity, we'll share a few paraphrased admissions from several users online:

• "No one talks about how narcissistic abuse affects you. It's extremely challenging and exhausting. Other kids don't understand why my child is always on edge."
• "I forget about my own needs and struggle to maintain boundaries. After another conflict, I realized that I had forgotten to eat for a day."
• "Dealing with personal attacks has damaged my self-esteem. My own feelings are out of control. The other parent's sense of self-importance makes any pick-up ten times more difficult."

One way to support your emotional health and remain a calm, consistent parent is to work with a licensed therapist who understands the challenges of high-conflict co-parenting. It will allow you to process your own trauma and emotions and teach you helpful skills to build your well-being from scratch.

Setting limits on how much energy and thought you direct to your co-parenting each day can help you regulate yourself. We deserve to engage in small self-care practices, such as micro-meditations, breathing exercises, or simply spending time with the people closest to us.

Final Thoughtі

Co-parenting in high-conflict situations is never easy, but focusing on what you can control: your responses, boundaries, and emotional regulation makes a meaningful difference.

By staying calm, prioritizing your well-being, and modeling healthy coping, you create stability and safety for your child. Small, consistent steps, whether setting limits, practicing self-care, or seeking professional support, add up over time, helping both you and your child thrive despite challenging circumstances.

Get your personalized plan for a calmer mind! Take a quick quiz

References

1. Crouch, J. L., Hiraoka, R., Rutledge, E., Zengel, B., Skowronski, J. J., & Milner, J. S. (2015). Is narcissism associated with child physical abuse risk? Journal of Family Violence, 30(3), 373–380. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-015-9672-3
2. Lux, U., Christ, S. L., & Walper, S. (2022). Coparenting problems and parenting behavior as mediating links between Interparental conflict and toddlers’ adjustment difficulties in Germany. Zeitschrift Für Kinder- Und Jugendpsychiatrie Und Psychotherapie, 50(5), 346–356. https://doi.org/10.1024/1422-4917/a000835