Fear of Rejection: Why It Holds You Back and How to Overcome It
Written by
Viktoria Samokhval, Сertified Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist
Reviewed by
Chermayne Moore, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Published on 24 Oct, 2025
•4 min read
You want to ask them out again, but a small voice whispers "What if they say no? " You replay the first date in your head, searching for signs you might’ve missed. Every unanswered message makes your chest tighten a little more.
Most of us know it well (even the ones who look confident on the outside). It’s the fear that love, respect, or belonging can vanish if we make a mistake.
This guide explores why that fear shows up, how it quietly shapes our behavior, and what you can do to move through it with more courage and self-trust.
How Fear of Rejection Shows Up in Daily Life
Let’s look at what fear of rejection can look like. While reading, take a mental note of things that you might be doing as well.
❤️ In Relationships
Relationships often stay at the center of our lives because they touch our deepest need to be seen and accepted for who we are. As student writer Sherene Yang shared in Campus Times, social rejection can feel uniquely raw:
“I have so many experiences of crawling into my head… with constant self-conscious thoughts about not fitting in, constantly feeling like someone is only looking at me because I have something on my face. At least vocational rejections mainly come in email or phone call form, but social rejections? That rejection is all horrifyingly, atrociously, in person.”
Being on the receiving end of rejection while maintaining eye contact and watching someone’s reaction unfold in real time can feel almost unbearable. It’s one of the hardest human experiences because it hits right where we crave connection most.
When you are afraid of rejection, you can engage in:
- people-pleasing
- avoidance/detachment.
Facing criticism from others can lead to shame, guilt, or emotional overwhelm. It can manifest in two different ways. Some individuals strive to be as accommodating as possible. Hoping to gain others’ approval and avoid their anger or doubt, they might appear unproblematic, always on call, and sensitive to others’ needs. Most often, these people may struggle with setting boundaries or advocating for themselves.
Others, however, avoid vulnerability and believe that the most effective way to be safe is not to let others close. They avoid talking about deep topics, ignore their emotions, or even ghost others. These people can suddenly distance themselves from those around them the moment they grow more attached. They may feel guilt over it, but they aren’t ready to let go of this constant control.
👩🏽💻 At Work
Work is often a place where we have to put ourselves forward, and that alone can be a thing we are afraid of. Fear of rejection can appear as:
- not speaking up
- avoiding promotions
- perfectionism.
Not wanting to look strange or too bold, we decide to hide our opinions and not ask for more than we have. We think that others will laugh at us if we dare to take a risk, and we lose faith in our ability to act on our own behalf.
Sometimes, it leads to years of being stuck in one position out of fear of failing. Perfectionists, on the other hand, attempt to overcontrol all of their actions and consequences.
💭 With Yourself
Sometimes, the fear of rejection turns inward. It is common for most people, but if it prevents you from achieving your goals, making friends, finding romantic partners, or causes you to isolate yourself, this may indicate a deeper issue. It can look like:
- negative self-talk
- avoiding risks
- self-sabotage.
When we fear being judged or mocked, we start to imagine our own failure before it even happens—and slowly retreat from the world. The writer mentioned earlier, Sherene Yang, captures this feeling vividly:
“I cannot tell you how many times I passed up the opportunity to apply to internships or fellowships because I always thought there were better applicants out there. Each rejection felt like a stab of ‘you’re not good enough,’ and because of this fear, I missed out on so many opportunities to grow.”
Many of us know that cycle well. We pull back before even trying. Our confidence shrinks, and the inner critic grows louder. Over time, that self-doubt turns into self-sabotage, proving that those fears were right all along.
The Rejection Loop
Rejection has a repetitive nature. Let’s first examine its key elements:
- Trigger. Something triggers you — a situation where rejection could happen.
- Fear. Your mind jumps ahead, anticipating the worst. You picture failure, feel the sting of shame before it even happens, and start believing it’s safer not to try.
- Avoidance. To protect yourself from pain, you choose inaction. It feels safer to stay invisible than risk being turned away.
- Missed opportunity. Without even trying, you miss a chance to get something you wanted.
- Reinforcement. Avoidance gave you temporary relief: after all, you weren’t rejected. This teaches you that it’s safe to choose this path, which perpetuates similar behaviors.
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s break it down through a potential scenario. Spoiler: it’s about the potential romantic partners.
You see someone you really like. They seem nice, and you consider approaching them and offering a meet-up. Your brain conjures negative scenarios or unhelpful thoughts. Something like “They’ll probably laugh or say "no"" eliminates your confidence.
You decide to play it safe and not approach them. Maybe later, you tell yourself, when you get more experience and become less emotional. You don’t get to shoot your shot. Perhaps you miss an awkward first date — or the start of a wonderful relationship.
Even if you don’t feel great, you think you avoided the possibility of humiliation. This sense of security signals to you that you made the right choice. The next time you see someone attractive, you struggle and don’t want to act even more.
While breaking the loop isn’t easy, you can start by becoming more aware of it. Understanding how this circle works helps you catch the first signs of fear.
Why We Fear Rejection
To those who struggle to overcome rejection, it’s scarier than just a “no.” It carries a different meaning and weight, and it is not something that we can easily forget.
1. Evolutionary Roots
For centuries, social exclusion was a threat to our survival. We had to be a part of a larger group for safety, as it helped us with physical pain or injury, protection, and surviving extreme conditions. Interestingly, it might be even more complex than that. Social anxiety is one of the forms of the fear of rejection.
Science suggests that it has evolutionary connections:
“The evolution of human traits that predisposed us to social anxiety is not only rooted in the adoption of social threats by competitors but also the need to consider and care about what others think about us when meeting attentive and potential partners (which actually is a social opportunity).”
It all made sense back then. Our brains still retain that wiring: social rejection is perceived as a survival threat.
2. Since You Were a Child
Early experiences play a crucial role in how we handle rejection later in life. Takira Victorin, an individual and couples therapist, emphasizes that children with parents who behave emotionally dismissively or inconsistently struggle with a higher level of stress and depression later in life.
Moreover, parenting behaviors contribute to your attachment style, which, in turn, influences how you approach setbacks or vulnerabilities. Check out our article on how to notice the signs of childhood trauma in adulthood to find out more about this subject.
3. Just Like Physical Pain
Studies reveal that rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain. This is particularly true for the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and the anterior insula. You’re not imagining it — rejection hurts. Your brain experiences rejection as actual injury. Plus, it doesn’t distinguish between imagined and real threats. The fear of being rejected can feel intensely troubling.
Now that you know how rejection anxiety works, you are already better prepared for approaching it.
Practical Strategies to Overcome Fear of Rejection
Ready to deal with your fear of rejection? These strategies take patience and self-compassion, but with consistent practice, you’ll get more control.
Challenge Rejection Thoughts
Challenging rejection thoughts is a great way to approach your thinking in a more positive but genuine way. Inspired by the cognitive-behavioral practice of reframing, this method helps you view rejection more objectively. Try this either when you are afraid of someone saying “no” or when they have rejected you.
When thinking about a possible reason someone didn’t react to your suggestion positively, look for alternatives. Here’s what Fiona Murden suggests instead of saying to yourself that you’re not enough:
“Think of the other reasons it could be that aren’t dependent on who you are as a person – for example, they may already have a partner, or they may have just had a messy breakup.”
The truth isn’t as catastrophic as some might believe.
Small Exposure Steps
Exposure is a brilliant method for handling rejection better. Begin with low-stakes requests that won’t make a potential rejection scary: ask a stranger for directions. Apply to a job in a different industry for fun, unless you’re considering a career switch. Build up to bigger steps, such as voicing an opinion in a group or asking someone out.
Jia Jiang’s TED shows how his seeking out rejection made him desensitized to it.
Reframe Rejection as Feedback
Rejection gives us valuable lessons, even if it doesn’t always appear so. Consider it as a source of information. For example, if you didn’t get the job, you have learned what employers in a specific industry look for. Even painful rejections aren’t always entirely negative experiences: they reveal how you behave in such situations.
Journaling & Self-Reflection
Writing, whether you prefer typing or using a paper format, helps you detangle your thoughts and take a deep dive into your rejection fear. Even a week of journaling boosts your self-esteem and level of positivity. Allow yourself to journal without the fear of someone reading it. It’s only for you. You don’t even have to reread what you wrote.
By turning your thoughts into something physical (even if it’s just pixels), you separate yourself from them and process them more thoroughly.
Here are a few journaling prompts to try:
- “What’s the worst that could happen, and how likely is it?”
- “How did I survive past rejections? Was I angry or hurt?”
- “What opportunity could I miss if I avoid this?”
- “What are the possible gains that I can get if I try?”
- “Can rejection give me anything positive?”
- “How would I want to respond if I had more confidence?”
This is a structured option for self-exploration. Also, consider freewriting — writing without a filter, putting all thoughts on paper — to express your feelings. Both strategies can contribute to your growth.
If you want an in-depth instrument to overcome your fear and develop the courage to become your true self, Liven’s journaling can help you identify patterns in your behavior and emotions.
Improving Self-Esteem and Self-Worth Outside External Validation
Ultimately, it’s self-love that will make you confident. Learn to show yourself that who you are doesn’t change with the opinions of others. Building self-worth reduces the possible hurt of rejection. Start with self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would to a good friend or to the little version of yourself.
Remember that you have an identity outside of external opinions. Build identity anchors: cultivate your own values, thoughts, and priorities. When you realize that your worth is determined by things that others don’t have to accept for you to live your life, you let go of this fear and move forward.
Finally, ask yourself whether you truly care about those people’s opinions. We often internalize criticism from people whose views don’t actually matter to us. It’s worth pausing to notice when that happens and to question how much weight their opinion really deserves. After all, shouldn’t your own opinion of yourself come first?
Tracking Your Progress
One of the most motivating things in progress is actually witnessing it. It won’t happen overnight — instead, look for details:
- You take more social or professional risks, even small ones.
- Rejections sting less, and you overcome it faster.
- You spend less time ruminating (for example, “what if…” loops fade quicker).
- You bounce back faster and shift focus to the next opportunity.
- You notice moments of pride for trying, regardless of the outcome.
Measure Growth
Select a tool that facilitates easier tracking of your journey. Aim for something that feels easy and doesn’t take a lot of mental load to get used to.
- Habit trackers. Log every time you face your fear of being rejected and record your feelings about it. Add the habits or behaviors that make you feel daring or even make up a habit title like “becoming better at rejection.” Then, add specific activities to build up this habit.
- Physical visuals. Some people prefer to see posters instead of using digital formats. Create a monthly calendar (or buy a simple paper one) and check off each time you maintain your habit. It doesn’t have to be fancy — just to keep you engaged.
- Weekly check-ins. Set aside a moment each week to reflect. You can record a short audio note or talk it out: "What risks did I take this week? How did it feel?" Speaking aloud helps you stay honest and removes the pressure of writing everything down..
Support systems. Progress feels lighter when it’s shared. Ask a friend to be your accountability partner, or create a small group where you check in on each other’s goals. If it feels right, share your milestones publicly. It can help you stay motivated and inspire others to join you.
A strong support system can help us address some of the underlying triggers behind our fear of rejection, such as childhood trauma, and serve as the moderating factor in achieving self-love and building self-confidence. Just remember that this improvement is for you, not social validation.
Measuring Progress Without the Pressure
Let’s take a moment to discuss different approaches to observing your improvement. As a rule, when we think about the number of days we commit to a particular habit, it’s a good way to observe our change. After all, we typically see improvement when we do it regularly.
However, it can feel demotivating when we lose a streak, and starting from day one isn’t for everyone. If that’s the case, think about growth as a sum of achievements, whether this move forward can be counted or not. If you feel progress — whether it’s in how you speak, how you do something, or how you feel — consider it an improvement even if you’ve missed a few days. You’re human, and skipping things is okay.
And if it gets difficult sometimes? It’s fine as well! Sometimes, you need to take a step back in order to go forward.
Let’s Practice a Radical Self-Acceptance
Fear of rejection can take many shapes. It can show up in our relationships, slow down our growth, or hold us back at work. Often, it begins with past experiences that taught us rejection equals pain.
The good news is, this pattern can change. You can start to turn it around by gently challenging your thoughts, practicing small exposures, reframing rejection as feedback, and rebuilding self-worth through journaling and reflection. Progress may come in tiny steps, but tracking those moments helps you see how far you’ve come.
Tools like Liven can support you along the way. Whether it’s journaling your experiences, reflecting with our AI companion Livie, or simply noticing emotional shifts with the mood tracker, every bit of awareness helps you grow steadier and kinder toward yourself.
Rejection may sting, but it never defines your worth — it only redirects you toward better paths. With each “no,” you move closer to discovering new, more confident sides of yourself.
References
- Ayoola, E. (2024, November 8). Experts share tips on overcoming the fear of rejection in Love. The Knot. https://www.theknot.com/content/fear-of-rejection
- Georgescu, R. I., & Bodislav, D. A. (2025). The workplace dynamic of people-pleasing: Understanding its effects on productivity and well-being. Encyclopedia, 5(3), 95. https://doi.org/10.3390/encyclopedia503009
- Haugan, T. (2023). Social Anxiety in modern societies from an evolutionary perspective. Discover Psychology, 3(1). https://doi.org/10.1007/s44202-023-00074-6
- Jiang, J. (2015, May). What I learned from 100 days of rejection. TED. https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection
- Nyblom, N. (2024). The influence on university students’ optimism and self-esteem by gratitude journaling. Positive Psychology, 15(1), 20–24
- Samokhval, V. (2025a, May 13). Healing childhood trauma: Steps to recovery and growth. The Liven. https://theliven.com/blog/wellbeing/trauma/how-to-heal-from-childhood-trauma-a-comprehensive-guide
- Samokhval, V. (2025b, August 1). Signs of childhood trauma in adulthood: What to look for. The Liven. https://theliven.com/blog/wellbeing/trauma/signs-of-childhood-trauma-in-adulthood
- Wills, K. (2023, May 5). Woman’s hour - “If you don’t try, you’ll never know what’s possible”: How hearing no every day helped me overcome my fear of rejection. BBC Radio 4. https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/37xxvr57kcH9XctZ9wN0Ntl/if-you-dont-try-youll-never-know-whats-possible-how-hearing-no-every-day-helped-me-overcome-my-fear-of-rejection
- Yang, S. (2024, April 14). The fear of rejection: An epidemic. Campus Times. https://www.campustimes.org/2024/04/14/the-fear-of-rejection-an-epidemic/
- Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain. Psychosomatic Medicine, 74(2), 126–135. https://doi.org/10.1097/psy.0b013e3182464dd1
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