Can an Abandonment Wound Ever Heal?

A desire to be loved is a universal human experience. There’s something magical in knowing that others love us exactly for who we are. However, when our sense of safety is repeatedly disrupted by those we attached to most, the feeling of security fades, and abandonment trauma quietly takes its place.

Sometimes, all it takes is emotional indifference, unpredictability, or love that feels conditional. The wound begins to form when our fundamental need for secure, reliable attachment isn’t met on a consistent basis. This has a profound impact on our lives, even as we grow older.

It manifests itself in how we share vulnerabilities, develop emotional intimacy, communicate, and withstand conflicts. Some people lose their sense of self-worth and start to doubt their abilities. Others develop perfectionistic or hyper-controlling tendencies as a way to feel safe and in control.

This guide will explain what an abandonment wound is, how it shows up, and what you can do to heal from it. 

Key Learnings

• Abandonment wounds often begin in childhood but continue to echo in adulthood.
• They can show up as anxiety, emotional dependence, or fear of rejection.
• Healing often involves revisiting past experiences, understanding how they live in your body, and building relationships that feel safe in the present.

Common Signs You May Have an Abandonment Trauma

How does an abandonment wound show up? Some coping mechanisms or unhealthy behaviors we aren’t aware of can actually be the symptoms of trauma. Let’s look at some of the most common ways it appears.

Fear of Rejection or Being Left Out

Do you have heightened anxiety or feel worried that others won’t appreciate you for who you are? Due to their deep-seated fears, people with trauma can be exceptionally accommodating and ignore their own needs to keep others around. Whenever you make a mistake, you may think that this will be the last time you talk. Small pauses in communication, even such as a slow reply or a phrase said in a “suspicious” tone, might look to you as a threat to your relationship.

Trust Issues

Your mind might be telling you that because you were left before, there’s no reason to trust someone again, only to be left once more. This means you might not disclose your life to others or don’t like to be vulnerable around them. Some people become emotionally unavailable and remain emotionally distant even years into a relationship. Sometimes this pattern reflects an inner conflict — a longing for closeness on one hand, and a fear of losing control on the other. It often shows up as a defense mechanism, such as emotional avoidance or dissociation. For instance, someone who’s had emotionally unavailable partners in the past may find it hard to trust or open up in future relationships.

Overdependence or Heightened Anxiety

In contrast to the previous form of attachment wound, this one appears at the opposite end of the spectrum. You may ask for constant reassurance that everything’s okay and that others aren’t angry or annoyed with you. This often happens in romantic relationships or friendships. We, as adults, worry about being left behind due to multiple experiences in the past. Some people try to spend all their free time with those they love, treating any sign of personal time as a potential risk.

Self-Sabotage in Relationships

Ironically, the fear of abandonment can cause you to push others away. You may test your partner or withdraw, pick fights, or create additional difficulties for them, even if you subconsciously know that it is damaging to your relationship. Not many people recognize that they are engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors, so they do not address their behaviors to stop them.

Chronic Feelings of Unworthiness

It seems unfair, but we often struggle to cope with the underlying sensation of being unworthy. Victims of abuse frequently have low self-esteem. We think we aren’t enough or that we don’t deserve to be loved or chosen as someone’s priority. Then, the overthinking begins, which significantly affects our relationships.

What Causes Abandonment Wounds?

Abandonment trauma is shaped not only by what happens to us but also by how we process those experiences internally. Here are some of the most common causes:

Childhood Neglect, Inconsistent Caregiving

A parent or a caregiver is responsible for the child’s emotional well-being, sense of security, and brain development. This means providing not just physical protection and satisfying basic needs; it also includes emotional and mental support, as well as demonstrating consistent love. If the child didn’t receive this or lived in a volatile, unpredictable family, this can form developmental trauma.

Breakups, Divorce, or Loss

We are vulnerable to significant difficulties in our adulthood: our parents and grandparents age, and we can lose them. Some cannot heal from a painful breakup, while others go through a divorce. It leaves a deep ache behind.

Repeated Invalidation in Relationships

This can happen in romantic relationships, family relations, and among friends. What matters is that people who were supposed to listen to you did not do this. This can show up as being emotionally unavailable, ignoring, or gaslighting.

So, even if they didn’t leave us physically, we felt abandoned.

Links to Anxious/Avoidant Attachment Styles

Abandonment wounds often overlap with a disorganized, avoidant, or anxious attachment style. Sometimes, one leads to the other, creating a mutually sustaining circle and affecting our well-being.

How to Start Healing an Abandonment Wound

Recovering from such trauma isn’t easy because it affects all parts of your life. Developing secure attachment in adulthood is absolutely possible, though it’s rarely a straight path. It happens slowly, through repeated experiences of safety and trust, whether in therapy or in close relationships.

We know you are brave to start. Here’s a roadmap of your healing journey.

Step 1: Awareness & Self-Reflection

Recovery takes more than just understanding that you might have abandonment trauma. It requires a deeper dive into the causes behind your intense emotions and an understanding of the mechanisms that protect you daily from emotional neglect.

Abandonment wounds can manifest as automatic negative thoughts or low self-worth, such as “I am unloved” or “If I ask for something, everyone will reject me.” Learning to spot them is like identifying the area that needs more care.

What to do: Track moments that trigger strong emotional reactions for 1-2 weeks. Notice patterns: who, what, where, bodily sensations, thoughts, and what you do next.

1. Trigger map. Create a simple table with columns: When / Trigger / Thought / Sensation / Reaction / Need. It’s best to have it somewhere near you so that you can easily track each case you are hurt. Each time your brain experiences a spike of uncomfortable emotion, jot a line. For example:

Try to catch these situations fast and don’t overthink them. After this week ends, circle recurring triggers and the most common unmet needs. 

2. Journaling. Journaling helps people process their emotions and builds better self-awareness. Here are some journaling prompts for you to explore your personal patterns and deeply hidden convictions. 

1. If “abandonment” had a face, whose face would it be? Can I describe it? Is it an imaginary face or something from my family?
2. What small situations in daily life evoke intense emotions in me?
3. When I imagine someone I care about leaving, what’s the first thing I think?
4. Which movie, song, or story character appears like they “get” my fear of being left? Why?
5. What body sensations do I notice when I feel overlooked or rejected?
6. When I am stressed, do I notice any health problems flaring up?
7. How do I act when I think someone will abandon me?
8. What’s one memory of being supported or chosen that I always recount with joy?
9. What I wish my parents had done or not done?
10. What would I say to someone who hurt me? 

Step 2: Reparenting Your Inner Child

Reparenting means learning to meet the needs that once went unmet. By now, you may already see how certain struggles trace back to earlier experiences. Through reparenting, you begin to build trust in yourself and realize you no longer have to depend on others to feel cared for. It’s an invitation to approach your needs with curiosity and compassion as an adult.

This process can bring up strong emotions, so it’s important to move gently. Reparenting can beautifully complement therapy, but it’s not a replacement for professional support.

What to do: Build small, repeatable acts that convey safety, intimacy, and care. Combine somatic soothing with verbal compassion.

For a deeper perspective, Thomas Lahthaler’s TED Talk on reconnecting with your inner child is a great place to start.

1. Safe place and soothing touch.

Do this whenever things get overwhelming or you need comfort. Sit comfortably, eyes closed. Breathe slowly for six deep breaths. Visualize a place where you felt safe. It can be a real or imagined location. Hug yourself or hold something warm in both hands. This allows you to mimic the physical sensation of being held. Say quietly: “I’m here. There is nothing to fear. You’re safe right now. I will stay with these sensations.”

2. Compassionate letter and self-care plan.

Allow the child inside to feel that an adult can handle their needs. Start by writing a short letter to the smaller version of yourself. Name the pain that the child felt and validate it. For example, write something like, “I know you were scared, and no one listened to you. I hear you.” Then, promise the child three concrete supportive actions that you will do.

This may look like, “If you are alone, I will call our friends, watch an uplifting movie, and make us a cocoa.” 

Step 3: Building Secure Attachment and Connections

Relationships bring us strength. Imagine a tree that grows in healthy soil and has all the sun it needs. Investing in relationships that support us is also an act of self-love. Aside from people in our personal lives, it’s the stage when we might want to consider therapy. Therapy enables us to process our abandonment trauma and examine how our emotional experiences with others evolve and transform.

What to do: Pursue relationships (and professional assistance) that model reliability and emotional attunement. You can start from something easy and deepen the trust as you go. 

1. Finding a therapist.

Some people are worried about finding the right specialist, but it’s worth it. When looking for someone who can understand your abandonment wound, try to find a specialist with an attachment-informed and trauma-aware approach. A therapist who understands attachment, abuse, and healthy boundaries can teach specific interventions and will approach the situation with the right communication strategy. 

2. Trust building.

Choose one individual you judge relatively safe. Run small tests: ask for a tiny, concrete thing that can show you that they are trustworthy. For instance, ask a friend, “Could you let me know if you’ll be late today?” if they promised to come on time. Notice the response and reflect on how that makes you feel. Over time, increase the level of vulnerability. At the same time, teach yourself to maintain healthy boundaries with this one person, just to understand how it feels.

Learning how to trust others and develop healthier relationships can be challenging.

Step 4: Practicing Boundaries and Self-Trust

As you have seen from the sections above, abandonment trauma makes it difficult to establish boundaries. Yet, boundaries are a sign of self-respect, and it’s okay to communicate your needs. When you have an abandonment wound, you can either over-accommodate or push others away. Practicing clear, healthy boundaries protects your needs and builds a sense of security.

What to do: Start with micro-boundary practices and a “self-trust ledger” to record promises you keep to yourself.

1. Boundaries roleplay. Develop a few scripts to use when you need them. Use short, neutral scripts and rehearse them aloud: 

• “I can’t do this right now.”
• “I know you need this, but I won’t be able to help with it for the moment.”
• “I experience [emotion] when [behavior]; I need [boundary].”

Practice this on your own or with a friend. This will allow you to reduce freeze/flood responses in the moment.

2. Self-trust ledger. Make tiny promises to yourself during the day. Do just one thing a day, such as taking a walk or relaxing in the evening. Record the promises you upheld or did not. Mark a "+" for kept, "-" for missed. After the week ends, count your score and reflect.

Step 5: Long-Term Resilience Strategies

Abandonment wounds often keep our bodies in a state of hypervigilance. When you develop long-term strategies to boost your resilience, you teach yourself to unwind and reduce reactivity. Studies indicate that resilience can help individuals recover from childhood trauma and cope with emerging challenges.

Please note: If you live with constant hyperarousal or dissociative reactions, the symptoms may feel stronger at first. Starting with short sessions and gradually extending them can make the process feel safer and more manageable.

What to do: Integrate short practices, such as meditation or mindfulness, into your daily routine.

1. Daily check-in. Ideally, try to do this practice twice a day — when you wake up and just before you go to bed. Use a simple template for each check-in: 

• Rate mood 1–10
• Name one primary emotion
• Where do you feel it in the body
• One small action to meet the need right now. 

The more you practice it, the more you learn to listen to yourself.

2. Anchor activities. Choose two anchors twice a day. For example, you can have a morning ritual that involves hydration and a two-minute grounding exercise, and an evening ritual that includes a brief stretching routine and a five-minute reflection.

Can Abandonment Wounds Ever Fully Heal?

Our abandonment wounds don’t always disappear entirely. Even after years of growth, therapy, and improvement, they can resurface when we are stressed out. Old fears can show up because we are vulnerable in moments of overwhelm. This doesn’t mean you have failed or that your efforts were in vain. Every time you take a step ahead, this progress makes you stronger. 

Your healing isn’t about erasing something that happened to you. It is changing the power trauma holds over you. The more you grow from it, the more you prove to yourself that you are your own safe person and you can trust yourself, the smaller part that wound has in your life. And that is what matters — progress, seeing how far you’ve gone.

Therapy, support groups, and trusted communities help you build on your progress and become a healthier, more confident person. Seeing that you can overcome this setback and achieve more is the ultimate proof of all the journey you’ve made. 

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How to Rewrite Your Story

If we could give you one piece of advice to carry with you, it would be this: stay kind to yourself. Be compassionate towards that version of you who was given this abandonment trauma. Give yourself the permission to heal and give the kid and the adult within you a world that is safe and empathetic.

If you see a challenge in front of you, remember that you have come so far in your journey, and you will find the way farther. We believe that you will like the person you’ll find at the finish line.

References

1. Anagnostopoulou, T., Kalaitzaki, A., Tsouvelas, G., & Tamiolaki, A. (2024). The long-term effect of childhood trauma and alexithymia on mental distress during the COVID-19 pandemic in Greece. Psychology: The Journal of the Hellenic Psychological Society, 29(2), 57–78. https://doi.org/10.12681/psy_hps.28172
2. Lahnthaler, T. (2021, October). How reconnecting to your inner child is a superpower during a crisis. TED. https://www.ted.com/talks/thomas_lahnthaler_how_reconnecting_to_your_inner_child_is_a_superpower_during_a_crisis
3. Pollard, C., Bucci, S., & Berry, K. (2023). A systematic review of measures of adult disorganized attachment. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(2), 329–355. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12411
4. Samokhval, V. (2025a, July 8). How overthinking affects relationships: Tips to overcome. The Liven. https://theliven.com/blog/wellbeing/overthinking/the-impact-of-overthinking-on-relationships

5. Samokhval, V. (2025b, August 22). How to stop self-sabotaging relationships: Practical tips and insights. The Liven. https://theliven.com/blog/wellbeing/self-sabotage/how-to-stop-self-sabotaging-relationships-essential-steps-for-change

   FAQ

   What is the root cause of abandonment wounds?

   Abandonment wound stems from various factors: childhood neglect and inconsistent caregiving, breakup, divorce, or loss, invalidation in relationships, and unhealthy attachment style.

   How do abandonment wounds affect relationships?

   Abandonment wounds often lead to a fear of rejection, trust issues, overdependence on others, self-sabotage, and feelings of unworthiness.

   Can therapy heal abandonment wounds?

   Yes, therapy is one of the most popular paths for healing an abandonment wound. Even if such a wound resurfaces, therapy helps to mitigate its intensity and impact on our lives.

   Are abandonment wounds the same as attachment issues?

   While they are closely linked, they aren’t identical. Attachment issues reflect our struggle in connecting with others, while abandonment wounds are the emotional injuries caused by neglect or loss.

   How do I know if my partner has an abandonment wound?

   Abandonment wounds frequently recur and typically exhibit a distinct pattern. Ensure that you don’t diagnose your partner; instead, express empathy and compassion.