We all crave love and intimacy in our own way. If so, why do we sabotage some of the most cherished relationships we have? That strange, painful process when we intentionally or unintentionally undermine our own relationship success — that is called self-sabotage. Self-sabotaging behaviors can destroy or harm our intimate relationships. This stems from past traumas, low self-esteem, dysfunctional family dynamics, or false beliefs we hold about ourselves. Is it because we secretly don’t want to be with them? Nope. We are just afraid that they won’t work out. So, we create barriers and take actions (or inactions) that break down our trust and love. Then, when a relationship ends, we think: see? It wouldn’t have worked out. 

Relationship self-sabotage is more common than we think. What is self-sabotaging in a relationship? Self-sabotaging is a learned or unconscious response, and like with many skills that no longer have their use, we can unlearn them or go through therapeutic processing to leave it behind. Understanding what leads to self-sabotage allows us to lay a solid foundation for the next steps in healthier relationships. It doesn’t matter what relationships you’re in — learning to stop self-sabotaging will help you in all of them. 

What Causes Self-Sabotage?

Relationship self-sabotage occurs for several reasons.

• Past traumatic experiences. Growing up in dysfunctional family systems, suffering a painful breakup in past relationships, or even having a toxic friend or partner could have skewed our expectations about future connections. Research shows that people who have unhealthy attachments with their parents usually develop self-defeating patterns in adulthood, and this affects their mental health. We expect physical or emotional abuse, think that the other person won’t love us, or even feel distrust toward them. All of it is an echo and not the present, but we think it is.
• Unrealistic expectations. Sadly, we can have too high standards for ourselves and others, and this trend continues with each younger population. Meritocracy and social media have caused a 10% increase in self-oriented perfectionism scores from 1989 to 2016 among college students. It’s totally OK to want others to improve with you, whether you hope to talk it out with your parents or go to the gym with your spouse. But when we start making these goals about another side’s mistakes, we can hurt our partner's feelings. People aren’t perfect, and we can forget how unique they are in our run after perfection.
• Low self-esteem. We have a global low self-esteem issue, and this can easily lead to self-sabotaging relationships. According to a 2020 study conducted by Ipsos for The Body Shop, half of our population experiences more self-doubt than self-love. Six in ten people admit that they wish they could develop more self-respect than they currently have. Social media, family influence, bullying, and the pressures of growing up with high demands contribute to it. A person who doubts their worthiness of love and respect due to low self-esteem may self-sabotage their relationships, believing others will inevitably leave them. This further erases their self-confidence.
• Limited relationship skills. If our caregivers don’t teach us how to “do relationships,” we may learn about it only on our own, and it doesn’t always work out, leading to self-sabotage. We can do things that our peers know to avoid, and so our path forward is filled with bumps. For example, if you don’t know how to make friends because your parents didn’t teach you, you may make some mistakes without recognizing them.
• Fear of intimacy. We struggle to handle intimacy — whether it’s commitment, vulnerability with others, or something else — so we often drive others away to avoid facing that fear. It can be particularly common among people with an avoidant attachment style who don't want to feel vulnerable with their partners.
• Fear of rejection and abandonment. Sadly, even if we want to be with the other person, our desire to be with them can drive us to irrational behaviors. Self-sabotaging relationships, in turn, will push them away. For example, if you tend to seek reassurance from your partner, they will eventually get frustrated with it despite understanding your fears.

While self-sabotage can be a coping mechanism, it does not help us in the long run. Understanding what drives your behavior can help you initiate some change.

A Brief List of Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

Many self-sabotaging behaviors are covert and aren’t immediately recognizable. We usually can spot them over time after observing ourselves or hearing about them from others.

• Emotional unavailability. The moment their loved one shares something emotionally honest, even raw, a self-sabotaging partner takes a step back because they have a fear of intimacy. When discussing something important, we touch only the surface. While we seem to be here, it’s not quite the case. We are hiding most of ourselves from them, and we aren’t sure we can handle their emotional range as well.
• Criticism. It’s a tough skill — to know when to criticize or back down. It can be a helpful way to grow with someone’s feedback, but it can also become a self-sabotage. Too frequently, we criticize without being gentle and understanding, and it grows into mutual irritation. Our poor communication skills damage our own well-being.
• Avoidance. We need to be there for our families, friends, and partners. If we purposefully avoid any conflicts or don’t connect with them, it’s like vanishing into thin air. If we’re with partners, we don't want to make our relationships serious. If we have a great friendship, we can refuse to meet our friends. These moments create a conviction that we aren’t close. And even though avoidance is sometimes a protective strategy that works only temporarily, it can affect our relationships.
• Creating unnecessary conflict. A healthy conflict is not just okay — it’s necessary for growth in relationships. Still, if we’re starting a fight without any prompt and do it repetitively, it is self-sabotaging. We might even know this and get angrier from this knowledge. The other person might start to tiptoe around us or lash out, which adds another complication.
• Testing commitment. Relationships are about mutual dedication and respect for boundaries. Nonetheless, this maladaptive strategy often stems from fear of abandonment or our insecurity about self-worth. If we constantly push them and violate the foundation of our connection, it might cause a rift between us. And so we can test another side’s loyalty, do something that might purposefully disappoint them, and more. Over time, the forgiveness will stop coming.

These self-sabotaging behaviors can pile up and slowly eat away at the foundations of our relationship.

The Role of Attachment Style

Attachment style can be one of the main predictors of self-sabotaging behavior, especially in romantic relationships. Destructive behaviors can appear in any close relationship, though they may be more noticeable in romantic ones due to intensity and expectations. Four primary attachment styles are regularly discussed in psychology:

• Secure
• Anxious-preoccupied
• Dismissing-avoidant
• Fearful-avoidant.

Stats about attachment styles vary significantly across cultures, and we can’t make an objective judgment about that. But what we can confidently say is that our attachment styles develop in our early age and typically depend on how our caregivers interacted with us. Those suffering from past trauma can struggle in long-term relationships, making excuses and ignoring underlying issues.

In contrast, a person with a secure attachment style understands their role in any relationship and usually doesn’t try to self-sabotage. They enjoy being in the company of others AND know their worth. 

We can work on building secure attachment style with therapists and coaches in case we feel like we can’t do it on our own. However, even if changing such a huge part of ourselves takes time, knowing our attachment style is still useful.

Unearthing the Patterns

Our self-sabotage comes in harmful patterns. It means that, while we might be unaware of our behavior, there are things that repeatedly influence our actions. Recognizing the triggers is essential to breaking the cycle. Akin to learning to read a map, it takes time and analysis. 

Try to observe your behaviors in a current relationship. Are there any similarities that you notice? Maybe you are overly avoidant or critical? Do you seek constant reassurance? Ask people you can trust for any signs of a behavior that seems at odds with the security of your relationship. It’s one of those cases when other people may notice these signs better than we do.

Self-sabotage, especially self-destructive behaviors that we have discovered, is linked to a trigger, even when everything seems perfect. In fact, stability can trigger sabotage in people unaccustomed to safe relationships. Learning our triggers can help us understand and prevent unhealthy behaviors. Let's take a look at these self-sabotaging behaviors:

• A change in a loved one’s mood or behavior
• Our own shift, especially in appearance, that we may see as unattractive (i.e., weight changes or aging)
• Moving to a different home/location
• A conflict
• A phrase that we misinterpret
• A new revelation we didn’t know about
• Exhaustion or a bad day
• A recent failure or challenge
• Resurfacing memories or meeting people from the past.

Look at your current behavior. These triggers emerged because of past mistakes and hurt. Developing self-awareness and catching the impact of these invisible factors is instrumental in transforming how we behave. Once we understand why we engage in self-sabotage and how we do it, it becomes easier to create a plan to address our triggers and patterns. 

How to Overcome Self-Sabotage

We can learn to stop self-sabotaging in relationships while improving our overall well-being. It’s not just about a particular type of relationship, after all. It’s about us. 

Communication First

A relationship starts with listening and honest communication. Even when we overlook something in our relationships, we can improve and transform if others communicate it to us. It also requires us to listen, which isn’t the easiest thing to do. Learning how to talk, show empathy, and be willing to hear another person out is the best way to set a healthy direction. 

Self-Love Nourishes All

Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that self-sabotage in relationships is about harming others, but it’s the opposite. Refusing to accept love and stay in loving spaces is a sign of a lack of self-love within us. Self-love and self-acceptance can help you create and maintain a fulfilling relationship.

Confidence Drives the World — and You

Secure attachment style means a person is confident about it, trusts their partner with their closeness, and knows how to self-regulate emotionally. So when we have healthy self-esteem, we automatically become better partners, siblings, children, and friends. We don’t expect others to leave us, knowing that when something goes wrong, we can stand up for ourselves. This way, self-sabotaging doesn’t have any ground to grow on.

Self-Awareness

Probably the most troubling thing about self-sabotage is that it isn’t that obvious. Had it been clear, we wouldn’t have engaged in it most of the time. That’s why learning to be attentive is the key. Adjusting our viewfinder to search within ourselves will help us to understand what triggers influence us and what behaviors we are likely to engage in. 

Being in the Moment

Our behavior with others often merely reflects the memories of the past. We think that our new friends will act the same way as those who stopped being around us. We see the memory of the toxic partner in the new one. But we are in the NOW. This moment has never happened. We have never been here before. Focusing on living today and not dwelling on the past is tough, that’s true. But self-sabotage is about the lingering pull to the years before. We need to leave that behind to build something new.

Be Open to It

Self-sabotage can do the most damage when it closes our minds to change. Individuals with an openness to new experiences and approaches make change in their relationships much more effectively. Adopting a growth mindset and being open to accepting criticism eliminates the barriers. It also validates your partner's feelings, establishing trust.

When Seeking Help Is a Good Idea

Sometimes, reaching out to another person can lead to a faster healing of our self-sabotage. Many people can learn new strategies and coping mechanisms independently, but it’s not a necessity. 

Seek professional mental health support for guidance. Plus, they are more familiar with strategies that will work best for each individual. Online therapy platforms, professional help websites, and local therapists can offer accessible support for individuals struggling with handling self-sabotage on their own. 

Moreover, a support network of friends and family encourages us to stay accountable and motivated. What is better than care from those we love and care for? It’s not selfish to take help from others when they, too, want to share our sense of security. They will thrive with us in healthier relationships.

Finally Breaking Free

Self-sabotage is a lingering self-protection mechanism of our past that manifests itself in different ways. Don't jump to end relationships that don't function ideally yet. To stop self-sabotage, we need to do a lot of self-reflection, explore underlying issues that drive us to self-sabotaging behavior, and learn to be in the present moment. We hope this article helped you discover within yourself. Stick around — we’ll cover the topic more, explain how to stop self-sabotaging relationships, and provide more solutions.

References

Global Self-Love Index. The Body Shop. (2021). https://www.thebodyshop.com.my/media/wysiwyg/019-q1-2021-selflove-self-love-index-pdf-3.pdf 

Haydon, K. C., Jonestrask, C., Guhn-Knight, H., & Salvatore, J. E. (2016). The dyadic construction of romantic conflict recovery sabotage. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(6), 915–935. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516661766 

Peel, R., Caltabiano, N., Buckby, B., & McBain, K. (2019). Defining romantic self-sabotage: A thematic analysis of interviews with practising psychologists. Journal of Relationships Research, 10. https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2019.7

Peel, R., & Caltabiano, N. (2021). The Relationship Sabotage Scale: An evaluation of factor analyses and constructive validity. BMC Psychology, 9(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0 

Perfectionism among young people significantly increased since 1980s, study finds. American Psychological Association. (2018). https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/01/perfectionism-young-people 

Wei, M., & Ku, T.-Y. (2007). Testing a conceptual model of working through self-defeating patterns. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 54(3), 295–305. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.54.3.295