How to Date Someone With an Avoidant Attachment Style?

You’ve been seeing someone who seems like a great match. You enjoy your time together, share interests, and align on important life goals. However, as emotional closeness begins to deepen, you start to notice a shift. They may pull back, communicate less frequently, or appear uncomfortable discussing feelings or commitment. If your new date shows signs of commitment issues, they may have an avoidant attachment style.

When a partner manages closeness by creating emotional distance, such as downplaying emotions, becoming less available, or delaying responses, it can be a sign of an avoidant attachment style. Approximately 38% of people exhibit avoidant attachment.

If you’re considering a committed relationship with someone who has avoidant attachment tendencies, understanding how and why they respond to intimacy can help you approach the relationship with clarity, compassion, and realistic expectations. Below, we explore practical, evidence-informed strategies for building trust and emotional safety, while also attending to your own needs.

Key Learnings

• Revised to highlight mutual responsibility: Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style is more manageable when you understand their need for independence and avoid personalizing emotional distance.
• Clear, respectful communication, paired with consistent boundaries, helps create emotional safety, which in turn supports trust and fosters gradual intimacy.
• A healthy relationship includes protecting your own emotional well-being and recognizing when your needs are not being met.

How to Date an Avoidant Partner

These strategies can help you better understand your partner and meet their emotional needs without compromising your own.

What Type of Avoidant Style Do They Have?

An avoidant person can self-isolate for different reasons. For this article's purposes, we'll describe two types of avoidant attachment style: dismissive avoidant and anxious (fearful) avoidant.

Dismissive avoidant partners often:

• Strongly value independence and may minimize the importance of close relationships
• Appear emotionally self-sufficient and feel uncomfortable relying on others
• Tend to intellectualize or shut down emotional experiences
• Pull away as intimacy increases, often without expressing overt anxiety.

Anxious (fearful) avoidant partners often:

• Desire closeness but fear rejection, abandonment, or emotional harm
• Alternate between seeking connection and creating distance
• Experience difficulty trusting others and feeling emotionally safe
• Feel internally conflicted between wanting intimacy and needing protection.

Attachment research suggests that avoidant styles differ based on how people see themselves and others. According to researchers Kafetzios and Nezlek, "fearful [shows] negative models of both self and others and dismissive [shows] negative model of others and a positive model of self." Recognizing this may help you understand why they maintain their emotional distance.

Being in Tune With Your Adult Attachment Style

Attachment dynamics are relational—meaning your partner’s attachment style interacts with your own. Understanding your attachment patterns can help you identify emotional triggers, communicate more effectively, and make intentional choices rather than reactive ones.

Statistics show that most people have an insecure attachment style, and it is divided into anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant. You can use this worksheet from Between Sessions for an explanation and a few practical exercises for deeper reflection.

We've found online examples of how people with various attachment styles interact with an avoidant partner. We will paraphrase their stories slightly to maintain anonymity.

• An avoidant person about an anxious partner: "He always needs reassurance, and I cannot give it to him. I feel so bad, but the more he asks for emotional closeness, the more I pull away. I feel overwhelmed and guilty."
• An avoidant person about a partner with a secure attachment style: "Not everyone gets how I express my emotions, but she does. I tell her I need personal space, and she says, "Okay." When I tried to put some distance between us, she suggested discussing things without making it like an ultimatum."
• An avoidant person about another avoidant partner: "We dated for two years, and our daily life was really comfortable. But we never tried to develop what we had, and neither wanted to express feelings."

These examples illustrate common dynamics, rather than fixed outcomes. Secure, fulfilling relationships are possible with avoidant partners, especially when both individuals are willing to reflect, communicate, and work on growth. If you're unsure about your own attachment style, this detailed test from Dream Owl can help you determine it. It'll take around 10 minutes for the detailed test and much less for the brief quiz.

Communicate Your Thoughts and Feelings Clearly

It may seem intimidating, but having difficult conversations can actually benefit relationships. Improving communication benefits all relationships, but when interacting with someone with an avoidant attachment style, there are a few steps that can make the process easier.

• Find the right moment. Try to avoid heavy emotional talks when either of you is stressed, tired, or distracted.
• Start without judgment and use "I" statements. If we use accusatory language, our partner can shut down and self-isolate. For example, you can say something like, “I feel closer to you when we share what’s on our mind, and I’d love to find ways we can do that together.”
• Listen actively. It may be difficult for your partner to open up, so they may need to feel like they are in a safe space with you. Let them share without interrupting or trying to fix things immediately.
• Openly share your desire for a close connection. Avoidant attachment may lead them to feel they don't deserve to be loved or that others may want to hurt them. If you share your emotions with them and explain why they matter to you in an assertive manner, it can open a healthy dialogue and encourage them to communicate their boundaries without fear.

Research indicates that effective communication can help people with insecure attachment build better relationship dynamics.

Here are some worksheets from Therapist Aid that can help you improve your communication:

• Relationship check-in
• Relationship clarification questions
• Assertive communication
• How to apologize
• Conflict resolution.

Giving Space Helps Them Feel More Secure

When an avoidant partner asks for space, respecting that request can reinforce emotional safety. For many avoidant individuals, time alone is a way to regulate emotions—not a rejection of the relationship.

An attachment style coach, Mackenzie Herman, emphasizes why respecting their self-sufficiency will help both sides:"They need space to process their emotions. It's not about you, don't take it personally... [someone with an avoidant attachment] fears losing independence. So encourage them to live out their own independent lives while being connected to you."

This practical worksheet will help you understand different types of boundaries and whether your current relationship is on firm ground.

If you don't know how to make sure you maintain healthy boundaries without losing yourself, you can take this quiz and get your personalized plan for healthier relationships.

Protect Your Own Peace

Caring for someone else should not come at the expense of your own emotional health. When one partner consistently suppresses their needs, resentment and emotional exhaustion can develop. Insecure attachment style often leads to burnout, not just in personal relationships but also in professional settings.

Dating someone with avoidant attachment tendencies may gradually shift your focus toward maintaining the relationship rather than caring for yourself. Because you want your partner to feel good, it can also affect you and how you perceive yourself, but not all people can reciprocate this care.

An article from Simply Psychology indicates that dating someone with an avoidant attachment can be difficult: "They find it difficult to respond supportively to others’ emotional needs, often distancing themselves from individuals expressing vulnerability... They typically exhibit lower levels of empathy, compassion, and cooperative behavior, preferring to withdraw rather than engage when faced with emotional demands."

If it seems like you are developing negative thoughts about yourself and that your desire for support is negatively impacting you, it might be a good time to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. Meanwhile, doing some meditation and grounding can improve your mental health and allow you to feel more secure with yourself. Here are a few meditations and grounding exercises you can try:

• Somatic Mindfulness Meditation for Burnout and Overwhelm
• Guided Mindfulness Meditation on Feeling Alone
• A Powerful Connection to Self
• Grounding & Protecting Your Energy

What Causes an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Attachment styles develop through a combination of early relationships, life experiences, and learned coping strategies. Below are common factors associated with avoidant attachment patterns.

Absence of a Secure Attachment Style in Caregivers

Research states that our romantic relationships often stem from our parents' attachment style. While it's not always the case, many people with avoidant attachment style had one or two parents with an avoidant attachment, too. When caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive of feelings, or inconsistent, children may learn to rely on self-sufficiency rather than connection.

Attachment Wounds

Attachment wounds can occur at any stage of life and involve significant breaches of trust, such as betrayal, abandonment, or emotional neglect. When these experiences are unresolved, the nervous system may remain in a protective state, making closeness feel unsafe. 
Here's what a licensed therapist, Jessica Baum, says about the memory being stored in our body: "If we haven’t processed a negative memory, it lives in our nervous system, and we attach a belief to it, like I'm unlovable' or 'I'm not good enough."

Lack of a Sense of Security

For some individuals, emotional distance becomes a strategy to manage deep fears of shame, rejection, or abandonment. Avoidance is not a personality flaw, it is often a protective response developed to preserve emotional safety.

This fear of abandonment, of expressing needs, creates a firm belief that it's easier not to seek out intimacy. "These blocks are not personality flaws. They are protection. If you believe you are unworthy, then not trying keeps you safe from rejection. If you think you are a burden, then not needing anyone keeps you safe from shame," states Allie Prosalova, a Holistic Health Practitioner.

Final Thoughts

In some cases, dating someone with an avoidant attachment can feel like a task with a few extra steps. However, things feel easier when we remind ourselves that, although we didn't have a say in how our attachment developed, we can choose how to contribute to our new relationships. Whether it's going to couples therapy or starting with a short, compassionate, and earnest talk, it's the first step you can take together.

Your personalized plan to build healthier relationships!Take a quick quiz

References

1. Attachment style statistics: Reports 2025. WifiTalents. (2025, June 2). https://wifitalents.com/attachment-style-statistics/
2. Drescher, A. (2025, May 13). Avoidant attachment style. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html
3. Gleeson, G., & Fitzgerald, A. (2014). Exploring the association between adult attachment styles in romantic relationships, perceptions of parents from childhood, and relationship satisfaction. Health, 06(13), 1643–1661. https://doi.org/10.4236/health.2014.613196
4. Hurwitz, C. (2025, November 10). Attachment wounds. Oprah Daily. https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a69253423/attachment-wounds/
5. Kafetsios, K., & Nezlek, J. B. (2002). Attachment styles in everyday social interaction. European Journal of Social Psychology, 32(5), 719–735. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.130
6. Levine, H. (2025, January 17). Avoidant attachment: Definition, signs, causes & treatment. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment
7. Pines, A. M. (2004). Adult attachment styles and their relationship to burnout: A preliminary, cross-cultural investigation. Work & Stress, 18(1), 66–80. https://doi.org/10.1080/02678370310001645025
8. Sessa, I., D’Errico, F., Poggi, I., & Leone, G. (2020). Attachment styles and communication of displeasing truths. Frontiers in Psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01065