Why Do I Self-Sabotage Friendships? Causes and Solutions

Friendships are arguably among the most cherishable close relationships we have in our lives. The Lord of the Rings, Stand By Me, and Toy Story, while being in drastically different genres, all remind us of how valuable friendships are. 61% of Americans say having a close friend is a critical part of their lives — in contrast to 23% of saying the same about being married and 26% about having children. So when our seemingly healthy relationship breaks up, it becomes a heartbreak.

Sometimes, people just drift away over time; it’s a part of life. But when losing friends becomes a repetitive thing, we might start asking ourselves if there is something deeper going on. Seemingly irrational, friendship sabotage is our response to associating intimacy and closeness with something painful or traumatic, even if we might not recognize it. Understanding our triggers and subsequent behaviors can help us break the cycle and avoid unhealthy relationships and isolation. Keep reading to gain valuable insights and put an end to self-sabotage behavior — your friendships are worth it.

Briefly About Self-Sabotaging in Friendships

What is friendship sabotage? It’s our conscious or unconscious behavioral pattern that damages or destroys our friendships. Such behaviors are possible in all types of relationships, from familial to professional ones. However, friendships can be a blind spot for many of us because our culture remains strongly centered around romantic relationships. This can lead us to miss the signs before it’s too late. 

Usually, self-sabotaging isn’t a one-time event but a repetitive pattern. Behaviors that can harm our friendships aren’t always similar; it can be an argument on one day and excessive clinginess the other. Breaking self-sabotage cycles is the first step toward healthier friendships and better mental health.

Common Reasons for Self-Sabotage in Friendships

Self-sabotaging behavior has other causes we aren’t consciously aware of, indicating a deeper dysfunction on a deep level. Even though there might be other reasons that we haven't included, these are the main patterns we can observe in ourselves.

Low Self-Esteem: How It Eats at Our Friendships

Low self-esteem makes people vulnerable to self-sabotaging behaviors. Why? We doubt our own success in everything, from relationships to career. As a result, we don’t think that being our loved one is enough for others. We see ourselves as boring, lazy, scared, and more — and we may start asking ourselves, “Why are they friends with me, then?”

The lack of confidence often stems from past experiences and toxic relationships that have left us vulnerable to criticism. The majority of people today have low self-esteem. According to the Self-Love Index study by Ipsos for Body Shop, nearly half of people feel more self-doubt than self-love. We can see an impact it has on our coping mechanisms and socialization: women with low self-worth are five times more likely to rely on others’ opinions of themselves. 

Why such a high number, then? A lack of parental affection, social misunderstanding, cultural influences, experience, or such biological factors as genetics and temperament influences our self-esteem. Sadly, the more we self-sabotage our relationships, the lower our self-regard gets. 

Perfectionism

Perfectionists view friendships as one-or-nothing relationships, struggling with seeing themselves and others as just humans. Some people have unrealistic expectations of personality, appearance, behavior, and status, and these views influence their friendships. For example, person A always expects their friend to look their best, dress their best, and behave a certain way when they go out. This makes their friendship tense or distant.

Lack of Boundaries

We share a lot with our friends. The closer our bond is, the more details about us they typically know. It’s okay — what’s what makes it so valuable. However, it can turn into a lack of distinction between the two. We may place our well-being on others, expecting them to feel the same feelings we do (which is called enmeshment), and it can sabotage friendships. We might feel overprotective with our friends, which impacts our social adaptation.

For instance, a person A feels offended when their friend doesn’t leave their family dinner because something terrible happened to person A. They expect to be prioritized above all the other important people in their friend’s life. 

Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability

Childhood trauma or abusive relationships can cause us to fear opening up and feel discomfort with our own feelings. Early on, we might have learned that being ourselves and being honest with others means facing criticism or even feeling unloved, which leads to trust issues and an unwillingness to make new friends.

To illustrate, person A had toxic friends in the past. So when their new friend comes up with a genuine discussion about what is wrong, person A feels panic, thinking that talking honestly will mean they lose their friendship. Person A self-sabotages their relationship by refusing to speak openly about what makes them hurt or sad.

Lack of Skills in Emotion Management and Communication

We aren’t simply born with the ability to make friends and handle complex feelings. We develop this ability over time, with the help of our caregivers, other responsible adults, and peers. If it hasn’t happened, we might engage in behaviors that harm our chances of forming good relationships.

For example, person A never knew how to make friends. When they finally have a close group of peers in their uni, they constantly make critical comments about others, which seems to push friends away.

Self-Sabotaging in Friendships

What does self-sabotaging in friendships look like? Here’s a brief overview:

• Not being present. If we repeatedly refuse to meet them, avoid social calls, and don’t show support when our friends ask for it, it can easily become self-sabotage. There might be moments when someone is absent because of their overload or depression, too. For example, a person with a difficult job transition or someone who has lost a close person recently might isolate because they need to take care of themselves at first. However, if you don’t have real reasons to avoid others or withdraw during tough times, it is self-sabotage. We can’t always be there, but patterns of absence mean it is more than just an accident.
• Wanting all of it. We aren’t the only people in our friends’ lives. They have other people they care for. This self-sabotage appears in the refusal to build any healthy boundaries. We might want to stay in constant contact, unload all our feelings onto our friends, and be in their lives all the time.
• Criticism. Friends should feel comfortable giving us constructive criticism. But there’s a line between providing a few improvement tips and becoming a constant negative machine. If we criticize their behavior, appearance, words, and more, it’s a disturbing signal.
• Avoidance behavior. There might be moments when we all need some time to ourselves. Nonetheless, if it becomes the common norm and we disappear every time a difficult situation occurs, or when our friend needs us, it might show a pattern of self-sabotage.
• “Only in health.” “Just think positively.” “Everything will turn out all right.” Do these phrases ring a bell? Friends can’t be with us only when it’s easy. Real friendships are tested in the moments of trouble as well — that’s how it works. The lack of intimacy can make someone go for such an imbalanced form of self-protection and not provide support when it's needed.
• Self-destructive behaviors. Some friends seem to evoke certain dangerous behaviors. They are fun and daring, but all of these behaviors appear to be on edge just to make us feel good. They are risky and often pull others into their choices.
• Causing conflicts. Despite conflicts being a natural part of any friendship, some people might start nitpicking, bringing up past issues, or generally start drama with their friends. This can lead to misunderstandings and others being afraid to engage with us.
• Undermining the friendship. Gossipping, telling lies about our friends, or putting them into uncomfortable situations can be a covert form of sabotage.
• Demanding reassurance. Constantly asking our friends for reassurance that they aren’t angry with us and don’t want to stop being friends can become overwhelming over time. We hope that this support will make us feel better, but instead, it makes them avoid future interactions with us.

Discover your self-sabotage pattern!Take a quick quiz

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Friendships

Now that you might have guessed a few of your behaviors and root causes, we can look at solutions to self-sabotaging our friendships.

Keep Your Patterns in Mind

You need to recognize why you act a certain way before taking any action. You probably know what you are most prone to — is it avoidance, criticism, or over-reliance on your friends? Do you have any inkling where it stems from? Acknowledge these behaviors and be on the lookout for them. After noticing self-sabotage, take a moment to journal and analyze this pattern. When you realize why you act a certain way, it's easier to develop a healthier perspective.

Be Willing to Communicate

It’s honestly underrated how many problems could have been solved by the simple suggestion “talk to your friends.” Explain your current situation and how you are handling your self-sabotaging behaviors. Ask them to be patient and genuine; if they can help you pinpoint certain actions or beliefs you might be missing out, it’ll make your efforts more effective.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Challenging your negative beliefs is a CBT practice that helps individuals develop a healthier view of themselves and their relationships. Sometimes, our thoughts seem very realistic (even if they are irrational), which is why this practice helps us learn to catch them. Each time you notice an irrational belief emerging, pause and challenge it. If it’s difficult to do it immediately, do it later in a journal. For instance, if you notice that, while being with your friend, you start thinking, “They are here because they don’t have anything else to do,” pause and ask yourself: Is this actually true? Do they really spend time with you out of boredom?

Pause Before Reacting

Many self-sabotaging behaviors happen fast, before we have time to stop ourselves. Learning to take a short pause before acting. It can be an automatic reaction, making it tough to catch in the moment. When you notice being hurt or triggered by something, remove yourself from the situation and take a walk or spend some time alone. Doing so also helps you understand your real emotions, which is vital for the development of emotional maturity.

Mental Health and Self-Sabotage: Finding a Therapist

Mental health practitioners identify self-sabotage as a key way people undermine themselves, leading to chronic struggles with addiction and anxiety. Healing with the help of a mental health professional can be a viable and effective way of finding the root of behavioral dysregulation. A reliable therapist or psychiatrist can help you tap into the causes of your self-sabotaging behavior and build self-awareness skills.

With proper guidance, you can notice harmful behavioral and thinking patterns that might be easy to overlook. Sometimes, treatment can also involve medication to manage the co-occurring symptoms of the comorbid illnesses (such as depression or anxiety disorder). A therapist will show you how to address the manifestations of self-sabotage and make a lasting impact on your healing.

Rebuilding Your Friendships

The close link between our mental health and self-sabotaging friendships is only a signal that our behaviors are a response to unfulfilled needs or unhealed traumas. Through self-work, open communication with friends, and collaboration with specialists, we can identify the underlying causes and develop healthy coping mechanisms. And in return, we can grow into stable and authentic friendships, building happiness together.

References

Etkin, R. G., & Bowker, J. C. (2018). Overprotection in adolescent friendships. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 64(3), 347. https://doi.org/10.13110/merrpalmquar1982.64.3.0347

Fehr, B. (2004). Intimacy expectations in same-sex friendships: A prototype interaction-pattern model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(2), 265–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.86.2.265

Global Self-Love Index. The Body Shop. (2021). https://www.thebodyshop.com.my/media/wysiwyg/019-q1-2021-selflove-self-love-index-pdf-3.pdf?srsltid=AfmBOop7Yl4ugpvRv2foQl21Vww2bmvm1xUtZEa1BKAsiFLwjNQ9Rl0e

Goddard, I. (2023, October 12). What does friendship look like in America?. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/10/12/what-does-friendship-look-like-in-america/

Peel, R., & Caltabiano, N. (2021). The Relationship Sabotage Scale: An evaluation of factor analyses and constructive validity. BMC Psychology, 9(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0