We have all heard those drivers who can’t stop honking when stuck in traffic. Or the co worker who slams their keyboard a little too hard after a frustrating email.

Don’t get us wrong — anger is healthy. However, anger is a natural and healthy emotion that, when managed properly, can serve a functional role in self-protection and boundary-setting. Feeling angry helps you respond to threats in your environment, such as unfair treatment and dangerous situations.

When does anger become a problem? When it’s disproportionate. Too much or too little anger (yes, that’s a thing if you’re suppressing it) can lead to stress, strained relationships, and even physical health issues. 

That’s why we’re here to tell you how you can avoid all these things by learning how to identify and showcase anger in healthy ways 😉.

What is Emotional Intelligence? 

Emotional intelligence is one’s ability to recognize, name, express, and manage their emotions.

An emotionally intelligent person is well aware of their own emotions and the feelings of others, which enhances the quality of their interpersonal connections as emotionally intelligent people navigate them with empathy and respect. 

Emotional intelligence (EI) helps us understand our emotional response and control how we express our reaction to a situation. A person who scores high in EI recognizes the issue and can effectively find a positive way to deal with it. 

Later, we’ll talk more about the 5 components of EI: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. Meanwhile, let’s find out how EI relates to managing anger properly. 

The Connection Between Emotional Intelligence and Anger Management

Having emotional intelligence is all about being aware of your emotions and knowing how to self-regulate. Sure, there’ll be a lot of frustration in your life, but if you can self-regulate effectively, you won’t turn it into aggressive behavior and harm others.

For instance, if a co-worker takes credit for your idea during a meeting, your natural response would be getting angry, but instead of throwing tables (both literally and metaphorically speaking), you’ll stay calm and set clear boundaries while maintaining respect. 

Should you blame your anger on nature or nurture? 

One’s personality is a combination of nature and nurture. For instance, if you’ve spent most of your life in an environment that was unpredictable, full of chaos, and even dangerous, you’ve probably developed what is called heightened emotional reactivity. But don’t let the name scare you! This simply means that as a part of survival, your brain got trained to perceive danger faster and react more vividly. That’s why you might struggle with explosions of anger that are disproportionate to a situation and are difficult to manage. 

In contrast, if caretakers have modeled healthy anger management for you, it is way easier for you to regulate frustration. 

Anyway, what about biology? Are some people predisposed to throw tantrums in later life as well? 🤨 Well, to some extent… Studies on the monoamine oxidase A (closest to the ‘aggression regulation’ gene that is also responsible for the serotonin and dopamine functioning) say that there are low- and high-functioning variants. Those with low-functioning variants are more prone to aggressive outbursts when provoked, especially those who have been exposed to abuse in their childhood.

Another explanation for a particular predisposition in some individuals is the lower activity in brain areas responsible for emotional regulation, such as the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and anterior cingulate cortex. 

The amygdala is your ‘fear center’ that helps you detect threats and activates the fight-or-flight response. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for decision making and impulse control, helps you suppress that impulsive anger generated by the amygdala. The last is the anterior cingulate cortex which helps you regulate emotions and resolve conflicts. 

You might be thinking you’re doomed — don’t! EI is not fixed, which means you can re-train your responses with some help. 

💊 Please don’t be ashamed to reach out for professional help if the exercises that we suggest below don’t help you and keeping emotions under control feels like a constant struggle. Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness, and you're not alone in this journey 💚💬. 

Here are the benefits you’ll get once you become an emotionally intelligent person

• Improved personal relationships. EI is all about recognizing and understanding your own emotions and the feelings of others and responding in a healthy respectful way to the stimuli. And guess what, people cherish those who can genuinely listen and empathize.
• Better conflict resolution. High EI includes one’s ability to step back and reflect on the emotion. Also, people with high EI know how to handle arguments more calmly and find solutions that work for everyone involved.
• Better mental and physical health. Did you know that those suppress and lack control over their anger are more predisposed to cardiovascular and stomach problems? The thing is that anger activates the release of adrenaline and cortisol, which increase your heart rate and glucose levels respectively. Over time, your body gets more and more stressed, leading to complex health issues in the long run.
• Greater emotional resilience. Life has a lot of challenges prepared for you. But guess what. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can tackle hardships without feeling overwhelmed.
• Better choices. Remember that prefrontal cortex we mentioned earlier? When you know your emotional triggers and can manage feelings that arise at the moment, you make more thoughtful decisions because you’re not clouded with emotions. 

Now let’s move to the skills required for managing anger effectively. 

Key Emotional Intelligence Skills for Anger Management and How to Develop Them

Anger is a natural emotion, and it’s neither good nor bad. But it’s important that you manage and express it without bringing harm to others.

Here are 5 skills you need to tackle the problem effectively. 

#1: Self awareness

How can you manage your feelings if you don’t even know what they look like, right? Or, in our case, feel like? Everything starts with recognizing your anger and understanding what caused it. 

You can go through the following steps:

• Check your physical ‘symptoms’. Your feelings aren’t just in your head — they’re in your body too. Your anger might feel like a racing heart, clenched fists, shallow breathing, and flushed skin. These are obviously signs that the time has come for some deep breathing work;
• Pause. Easier said than done! Once you’ve registered the signs, take a few deep breaths and name the emotion and what exactly caused it. Let’s say you’re stuck in traffic, and another driver cuts you off. Instead of honking or yelling, you pause and think, “I’m angry because I feel disrespected.” That simple moment of self awareness helps you control your reaction before it spirals.
• Recognize patterns. We advise you to journal your emotions so you can identify patterns and better understand your reactions. 

#2: Self-regulation

Remember that time when you were a kid who wanted candy but didn’t get one and had to somehow manage the disappointment? Most kids used to throw tantrums, and, probably, you were one of them, which is fine. Children usually learn to regulate their emotions through parents' support. But if you never had consistent and predictable parenting, chances are you never learnt how to properly manage negative emotions. However, you have all the chances to do it as a grown-up, through therapy, experience, and learning.

As for an adult, self-regulation might include the following techniques and activities, which we’re gonna talk more about later in the article:

• Deep breathing exercises
• Journaling your experiences
• Physical exercises for releasing tension
• Thought reframing for a new perspective on a situation
• Talking to a trusted person to share your experience and communicate them in a healthy way

#3: Empathy

Ever heard the ‘walk a mile in my shoes’ expression? Well, it’s all about the good old compassion for others when you can imagine what another person is going through and why they have behaved in a certain way. But most of all, it’s about understanding their emotional situation and learn to keep your distance from it! 

Let’s go back to the driving situation where someone cuts you off. Now let’s think of why they’ve done it. Perhaps, that person had a really bad day at work. Perhaps, they’re rushing to the hospital. Or, perhaps, it’s just their way of driving. Does it all have anything to do with you? No. 

We’re not justifying anyone’s behavior — we’re just saying that most daily life situations present no danger or intentional disrespect. So, the question is, how can you learn to manage your emotions and benefit from them?

#4: Motivation 

In the context of managing anger, motivation is your inner drive to stay calm regardless of the circumstances. It’s when you can avoid exploding by reminding yourself why you’ve chosen to work on your emotions. 

We even advise you to take a paper and write down why you want to change things! Write 2 letters to your future self: the one is from You who changed nothing and the other one is from You who learnt how to take control of emotions. How did life change for both of them? Do you want to be the first or the second version? 

Here is an example. Let’s imagine you’ve been working for a promotion and a co-worker takes credit for your idea during a meeting. Instead of acting impulsively, you remind yourself, “My goal is to be seen as a professional and a leader. Losing my temper won’t help me get there.” You then approach the situation calmly and professionally, which earns you respect in the long run.

#5: Social skills

Let’s be honest. During outbursts, you might be too emotionally involved to care about others' feelings and may go straight to blaming and disrespecting them.

But guess what, people you’re having a conflict with will understand you better if they don’t feel attacked. 

Here are a few tips for a healthy communication: 

• Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. And forget about ‘always’ and ‘never’ words. Instead of saying, “You are always late ,” try, “I feel very upset when people are late because I feel disrespected.”
• Offer a solution to a problem. What can your partner do the next time so you feel better?
• Set boundaries. If a conversation is getting too heated, it’s okay to pause and revisit it later.
• Show gratitude. Tell people that you appreciate their active listening and willingness to understand your perspective. 

Another situation. Let’s say your partner forgets about your birthday. Instead of giving them the silent treatment (yes, silent treatment is a form of passive anger) or lashing out with “You ALWAYS forget about important things”, try “I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday because it’s important to me. Next year, I’d love for you to remember and celebrate with me.” 

And while you’re training your ‘I’ statements, let’s find a few more complex strategies that help improve EI.

Strategies to Develop Emotional Intelligence for Better Anger Management

Perhaps you’ve wondered why some people seem to have an iron grip on their emotions. They don’t lash out, they don’t hold grudges, and they don’t let the emotion take control.

Probably, they’re doing a few things from this list. Take a look at these techniques and strategies that make managing anger easier. 

Practicing mindfulness and self-reflection

It doesn’t mean you should meditate each time your rage strikes. You should just be mindful of the emotion to prevent explosions. 

• Do a quick body scan to identify the emotion. How does your body ‘feel’ the emotion? That can be anything from clenched fists and tight jaw to tension in your shoulders or stomachache.
• Take a few deep breaths before responding. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. If you can’t perform this particular deep breathing exercise, then simply try breathing slowly.
• Reflect on what triggered the emotion. Was it the situation itself or something deeper? For example, if you snapped at a colleague for a minor mistake, ask yourself— was it really about them, or were you already stressed about an overwhelming workload?

Journaling emotions to track patterns

Each time the emotion strikes, accept and write it down. Describe what caused it, how you felt, what you thought, and what your response was. 

When you track down your emotions (let’s say, for a month), you can later identify patterns (for instance, you might discover that there are only certain people who push your buttons) and develop more effective strategies to manage your aggression in the future if similar situations arise. 

Seeking feedback from others about emotional reactions

Yes, we know this might be hard! That’s why we advise you to seek feedback from people you trust. Ask them: 

• How do I come across when I’m frustrated?
• Do you think I overreact in certain situations?
• What’s one thing I could do to handle anger better?
• Have you ever felt hesitant to approach me when I’m angry?
• What’s one thing I do well when managing anger?
• Do I move on quickly?

If multiple people say you tend to get defensive or shut down in conflict, that’s a valuable insight into areas you can improve, right? 😉

Engaging in emotional intelligence training programs or therapy

Sometimes, professional guidance can make all the difference if you’ve tried self-help but it didn’t work out for some reasons. And that is totally okay! We all need help from others from time to time — no shame in that. 

Here is what you can do: 

• Take very specific courses like EI in leadership training, education, and other fields if you’re looking to improve your emotional intelligence for work;
• Engage in programs like Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) that are designed to help individuals manage stress, anxiety, and difficult emotions.
• Engage in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and learn how to identify, challenge, and reframe negative thought patterns that contribute to emotional reactions. Plus, CBT can help you discover and target underlying causes of your aggression, especially if it’s trauma-connected.
• Engage in other types of therapy that consider role playing. You’d ask, ‘Why?’ This approach teaches you how to step into someone else’s shoes and better understand and emphasize with the perspective of another person.
• Consider group therapy or support groups to connect with those who go through the same challenges, share your experiences, and gain valuable insights.
• You can also consider other therapeutic approaches that can teach you healthy emotional expression like art therapy. 

Final Thoughts: Challenges in Building Emotional Intelligence

If you’ve been quick to react with aggression for years, it can take time to rewire those automatic responses. But emotional growth doesn’t happen overnight — it takes patience and persistence to turn emotional reactions into thoughtful responses on the road to healthier relationships and better self-regulation. It’s a challenge, but it’s worth every step.

You can do it! 💪🌱✨

References

Gao, Q., Tang, W., Yang, Y., & Fu, E. (2023). Children's emotional intelligence and aggressive behavior: The mediating roles of positive affect and negative affect. Heliyon, 9(10), e20366. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.heliyon.2023.e20366

Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Anger management: Tips & techniques. Institute of Mental Health.https://www.imh.com.sg/Mental-Health-Resources/Conditions-and-Challenges/Pages/Anger-Management.aspx

Kayaoğlu, K., & Köse, M. (2024). Effect of cognitive-behavioral therapy–based anger management training on anger and aggression levels of individuals convicted of violent crimes. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services, 62(10), 51–58.https://doi.org/10.3928/02793695-20240509-02

Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review, 109, 102414.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102414

Lim, M. D., & Lau, M. C. (2021). Can we “brain-train” emotional intelligence? A narrative review on the features and approaches used in ability EI training studies. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 569749.https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.569749