💬 Ask Shanen Norlin about Anticipatory Grief [Licensed Therapist Column]

Most grief writing assumes a straightforward kind of loss: someone you were close to, a relationship that was whole, a love that was mutual. But some of the most complex grief people carry doesn't fit that shape at all.

When a parent you've been estranged from is nearing the end of their life, what you're feeling is something layered and older: grief for a relationship that was never what it should have been, for needs that went unmet, for a version of events that will now never come. The loss isn't only ahead of you. In many ways, you've been grieving for years.

There's no cultural script for this. Society tends to treat a parent's death as an uncomplicated tragedy, something that calls for reunion, forgiveness, and showing up. When the relationship was absent or harmful, that pressure can make an already painful experience feel even more isolating.

Shanen Norlin is a clinical therapist, behavioral health specialist, and a member of Liven's Board of Health Professionals. In her column on the Liven's blog, she offers a framework for sitting with this kind of grief honestly, without forcing a resolution that isn't yours to have.

Key Learnings

• Anticipatory grief is layered and complicated when estrangement is involved.
• You may be grieving the relationship you needed and didn't have, not just the parent who is dying.
• Conflicting emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, relief, and numbness are all normal and don't need to be resolved quickly.
• Societal pressure to reconnect or forgive doesn't override your right to maintain boundaries that protect you.
• There is no right way to navigate this. The goal is self-compassion and honest processing.

Shanen's approach to the grief and internal conflict that arises when an estranged parent is nearing the end of their life:

When an estranged parent is nearing the end of their life, it can bring up a form of grief that is layered and often unexpected. This is sometimes referred to as anticipatory grief, grieving a loss before it fully happens. But in situations like this, it's not just about the impending death. It can also bring up the grief you've carried for years.

You may find yourself mourning not only the parent who is dying, but the parent you needed and didn't have. The one you hoped would show up differently, offer an apology, take accountability, or become someone you could feel safe with. As the end approaches, it can bring a painful sense of finality, that those needs may never be met in the way you deserved.

It's common for emotions to feel conflicting. There may be sadness, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, or even pressure to feel something you don't. Societal and cultural messages can complicate this further, often suggesting that you should reconnect, forgive, or show up in a certain way when someone is nearing the end of their life.

But grief in this context doesn't follow a simple or linear path, and it doesn't require you to abandon the boundaries you've put in place to protect yourself. It is okay if your way of coping includes maintaining distance. It is also okay if your feelings shift over time. One of the most helpful starting points is allowing space for the full range of emotions without trying to resolve them too quickly. You might ask yourself: What am I grieving right now? Is it the person, the relationship, or the absence of what never was?

Support can also be important here. Whether through therapy, trusted relationships, or reflective practices like journaling, having a place to process these emotions can help you move through them with more clarity and self-compassion. There is no right way to navigate this kind of loss. The goal is to honor your experience — both what you went through and what you needed but didn't receive.

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Give Your Grief the Space It Needs

What Shanen describes is a form of ambiguous grief, grief that lacks clear edges, a clear beginning, or an obvious ending. It doesn't fit the traditional stages framework because it focuses on everything that didn't happen in the years leading up to a person's death.

Here's how to meet that with self-compassion:

• Relief and sadness can coexist. So can love and anger. So can guilt and clarity about why the estrangement was necessary. Anticipatory grief in the context of estrangement rarely presents as a single emotion; it is a tangle. You don't have to untangle it all at once.
• Shanen's question is worth returning to: Is it the person, the relationship, or the absence of what never was? Often it's all three at once, but separating them can make the grief feel more workable. Grieving an absence is different from grieving a presence, and it deserves to be named as such.
• The message that you should reconcile or show up at the end is cultural. Your boundaries exist for a reason. A parent's terminal diagnosis doesn't automatically change what the relationship was or what it cost you. Shanen is clear: maintaining distance is a valid way to cope. So is choosing to show up, if that feels right for you. Neither is the wrong answer.
• Journaling, therapy, and trusted relationships are the three containers Shanen names, and each works differently. Journaling, for example, with the Liven app, externalizes what's circling internally. Therapy gives it structure and a professional context. Trusted relationships remind you that you're not carrying this alone. Support groups can also offer something none of the others can: the company of people who understand this specific kind of loss from the inside.
• Anticipatory grief doesn't end when the loss becomes real. For estrangement-related grief, especially, feelings can resurface at unexpected points: anniversaries, milestones, moments when you wish things had been different.

If you're struggling to process this experience alone, a therapist who understands complicated loss can help you hold the full picture: the grief, the history, the conflicting feelings, without rushing toward a resolution that may not be available to you.